If your child is still shitting in his/her pants they are not in school. They are in “school.”
I’m not talking about special cases or developmental delays. I’m talking about people who say ridiculous things like, “I have a parent-teacher conference at my son’s school,” - and later you find out that their son is 18 months. That is not school. That is “school.”
Used in a sentence when talking you should either make the universal two finger sign for air quotes or you should actually say, “My son is in ‘quote’ school.” Because actually saying the word “quote” while you are speaking is pretty funny, right!
Together we can fight back against all this ridiculous pretentiousness and pre-college prepping of infants!
OK, this is just funny. How come I never noticed this before?
I mean no disrespect to Shel Silverstein (RIP), whose stories I have loved since I could read, but seriously, this is pretty hilarious.
"You look at the face of your beautiful, lovely child and you think two things at the exact same time.
I love this kid so much that it’s changed my whole life. I love other people more because of how much I love her. I love people that died years ago more - like my love has travelled time because of how much I love her and she loves me back. She’s completely given value to life that didn’t exist before, and I regret every decision that lead to her birth.”
Louis CK in Louis, Season 2 Ep 1
Thanks to johndeguzman.tumblr for the quote.
Park Slope: Smugville
Babies in bars by themselves… because they’ve taken over.
Upper East: bUGGabooland
Babies in UGG boots riding thousand-dollar strollers. They’ve been all over the world, but they’ve never been downtown because their parents won’t let them ride the subway. Germs.
White people who moved in on top of brown people who moved in on top of yellow people, who like to brag about how much money they saved, so they could live in big apartments that their Manhattan friends will never see b/c it’s too far.
Skinny jeans drink skinny lattes while pushing giant strollers to the brunch place that used to be edgy.
A leaf can’t fall off a tree without someone blogging about it.
Every time I see a really fat person walking down the street I hear the ad in my head: “America runs on Dunkin.”
Yes, ban the super size route 66 whatever, people will just buy four and put them into one of those nasty free plastic souvenir cups I always turn down. Can we ban those cups too?
photo credit: demotivational.com
I wish there was a Hallmark card to say, “Sorry I showed you my bush today.”
Because some close mom friends and I were talking about our C-section scars and they said theirs were all botched and jacked up and I wanted to know if they thought mine was too. So I flashed them. I mean… as discreetly as I could and I asked before I did it, but ya know. And I’m usually so big on not TMI’ing people.
You, gentle readers, will be spared a picture. You’re welcome.